May I not die before I tell you
by Magdelope
Summary: The Inquisitor (female Lavellan) loves her spymaster, sadly the love is not answered. One shot.


"Bards tell tales. I bet you tell some good ones,"

"There are tales in the library," Leliana says, "you can find some there." _No, that's not what I mean. I don't care about stories, I just want you to tell me something that isn't related to the Inquisition. I want to listen to you talk, I want you to smile, I want you to forget about everything if just for a moment. _But Leliana is as distant as ever

"Why don't you join my party? I could use the left hand of the divine out there."

"Every agent out in the world is my eyes, my ears, my blade. Coming with you, leaving my post would blind and bound me, don't you see?" _No, I don't see. I want you out of Haven for a bit. I want to see sun on your face. I want you somewhere warm so you'll lower your hood and I can see more of your hair. I want you to relax a bit. I want to show you the beautiful things I have found on my travels. _

"I'd like to be a bard." But Leliana isn't listening and I leave.

The longer I am part of the Inquisition, the harder things have get. How can I be strong, how can I fight, how can I focus when all I think about is her? How can I act normal when every bird reminds me of her, when everything black and feathery thing makes my heart beat faster. _Oh Leliana, my sweet Leli, may I not die before I tell you. _

…

Skyhold. A new place, a new start. I'm the Inquisitor now. Does that change how Leliana looks at me? Sees me? Have things change? Can they ever change?

_Maybe I'll just casually ask her to do something together. She can't say no if it's something innocent. A drink at the Tavern? No. Teach me to use a bow? No. Take a walk? Maybe. _

…

"What am I to you?" _What? No! That's not what you were going to say. Abort, abort, abort._

"I don't know what you mean," Leliana says, not even looking up from the papers in her hand.

"Nothing, I meant nothing," I reply. _Great, just great. You idiot. _

"Any news?" _I can still fix this._

"I have nothing to report at the moment," Leliana says, "but I'm awaiting an important message from the arl of Redcliffe, if you come back later then w…"

"Take a walk with me!" _Why am I yelling? "_I mean, would you like to go for a walk… with me?"

"A walk?" A red eyebrow is raised, I want to trace it with my lips.

"Yes," I say, "a walk, you know, looking at the view. The view is actually quite spectacular, I don't know if you've seen, I mean, I suppose it's only snow and no grass but if…" I have turned into a stumbling idiot. Damn it, she's still looking. _Stop talking!_

"So yeah, what do you say?"

"I'd say you need lessons in eloquence," Leliana says, but there is a hint of a smile there. Not the type of smile I want directed at me, but for a moment she doesn't look quite so pained. It tugs on my own smile, and I look at her through my eyelashes, my cheeks heating up. _Come on, Lavellan, stop acting like a fool._

"I have to go," I say but make no move to leave.

"Inquisitor." She nods her head and her focus imidiately shifts to something else. I might as well not be in the room anymore.

…

"I'm concerned about the Inquisitor." I stop dead in my tracks outside Josephine's door. That's Leliana, talking about me!

"What do you mean?"

"I am just not sure if sending her to the ball is the right choice," Leliana says. _Does she have such little faith in me?_

"We will all be there," Josephine replies, "and it has to be her."

"I know, Josie," Leliana says, "but I am worried, she isn't the most… tactful or eloquent speaker. Her, playing the grand game?" She sounds like she's laughing and my heart is breaking. My face heats up, in shame, in anger, in surprise.

"She's never anything but polite," Josephine says, "I've been observing her and she's witty and well-spoken. She'll fit right in."

"Are we talking about the same person?"

I stamp my feet and forcefully pull at the door so they will stop talking when I enter. Leliana's face betrays nothing but Josephine does look a bit embarrassed.

"Inquisitor!" She says, her voice slightly shrill. Leliana throws her a look, but her gaze is blank. It's like she isn't there. It hurts me. _You can be mean to me, nothing hurts as much as the mask you wear. The thought of you hiding, of masking yourself unneccessary… I wish you would let me see you. _

…

"Are all the titles they gave you at the ball true?" I hadn't meant to bring up the ball, but I wanted to talk about it. To prove something. They had all loved me, I had protected the empress. Does this mean nothing to her?

"The titles?" Either she is pretending or she really doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"Yes," I continue, forcing myself to not stutter or stumble, "the titles. _Nightingale of the Imperial court. _What do they mean?"

"They are pretty words," Leliana says, "pretty words that are meant to impress. I should remind you that so is _Inquisitor." _I don't know if she's trying to be cruel, or make me feel inferior. Her face reveals nothing.

"They want me to choose the next Divine," I blurt out. She nods, and looks down. Her eyelashes so dark against her pale cheeks.

"Who do you think I should support?"

She looks up and for a moment her eyes are filled with fire, it scares me a bit. She looks alive, yes, but also manic. The words on her lips come out like a waterfall, and for once I'm sure that she means every single one. I leave, I'm worried for her, I'm worried for myself. I worry for all of us. Because even if she will make a terrible Divine, there is no way I can go against her. I am not strong enough.

…

The sword is cold when it enters under my ribs. It feels wrong that I can feel the whole thing, piercing me. It doesn't even hurt at first. Even as I fall to my knees. The pain only comes after I see the looks of my companions. Their lips move but I can't hear anything. I look up to the sky as I fall to the ground, there is a raven hovering over Sera's shoulder. _Leliana. _I die.

…

It's unforgiving to not die. The first thing you notice is the pain and the stiffness, the dry mouth and the sticky, angry limbs. I wish we still kept mage healers, but we don't and I need to rely on my own body to heal me.

"She awakes," the voice is soft and it makes me turn despite how my body screams at me to lie still.

"Leliana?" She rolls her eyes at me.

"Are you surprised?" She says, "Josephine comes running, saying that you are calling for me while you're dying. Did you expect me to not leave the rockery for that?" If I could I would lift my head. She cares?"

"You are our Inquisitor." _Oh. _"I thought you might have something important to tell me." It is my turn to wonder, _is she really this stupid? Can she not see what is right in front of her? Am I not wearing my heart on my sleeve? _I think this is when my heart actually breaks.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," I croak, "but I remember nothing."

"Maybe you'll remember at a later time," she says, "should I call for the healer?" She hesitates. I hold my breath as she leans down and a gloved hand, strokes my hair out of my forehead. "If you need," she says, "if you are in a lot of pain. I can get you a mage healer, it can be our little secret." I nod because I can't stand the pain, but then she leaves and that's when I know that no magic can ever heal me completely.

…

It's raining outside. It's grey rather than white and the clouds are so thick, the rockery has almost no view. We're close to the end now, I can feel it in my bones. I know that I might die soon. I probably should die. Somehow it seems anticlimatic if I don't. And where should I go once this is over? What should I do? There is no room in the world for people like me.

_People like us, _I correct myself when I see Leliana at her shrine. Where is she to go after this? I ask her, but it's like she can't answer. Oh she answers, but she doesn't actually say much.

"Inquisitor?" She nods politely.

"We're close to the end." _Excuse me? Is there anything less creepy you can say? Come on, Lavellan!_

"I know," she says and looks down, clasps her hands in front of her, "it hangs in the air, the foreboding." She turns around as if she's about to walk away. A flash of lighting lights up the room.

"Leliana!"

She turns around fast and looks at me curiously.

"What is it?"

"Leliana," I repeat, "Leliana." Her name, her beautiful name. I don't need any other words. If I could die with her name on my lips, I'd die a happy elf.

"What is it?" Oh no, she looks annoyed.

"I love you," I whisper. Her eyes widen but she doesn't look surprised and once I've said those words the rest comes easy.

"I love you," I say, "oh Leliana I love you so much. I can barely function when I'm around you. I love your voice, your smile, your everything. I don't want you to hurt, I don't want you to cry anymore. I don't want you to feel sad or lonely. I just want to love you" She stares at me and says nothing. I look down on the floor. In the horizon, thunder is calling.

"Just thought you should know," I say, bow lightly and turn to read. I've almost reached the stairs when she talks.

"How long?"

I turn around and for the first time since we met I can face her calmly, my heart is still beating like a dragon's tail but for some reason I no longer feel it. I have laid myself bare, there is nothing more to hide.

"Since the first time I saw you," I say, and it's the truth.

"I'm sorry," she says and for a moment, I believe she is actually showing me her real face. Her eyes are gentle, like a mother's, and her smile is sweet but sad.

"Don't be," I say and my smile matches her. I bow again. "Lady Nightingale."

I turn around and go down the stairs. Outside the clouds are dispersing and the sun is peeking through. I look up at the windows of the rockery, Leliana is not looking for me. I can't even see her. Which means all is right with the world. She is not mine, and I am not hers and that's the way it will always be.

…

"I want you to be my right hand." I look up from my throne. I thought Leliana had already left. _Divine Victoria, _I correct myself but I know it's a lie. She is still Leliana, wearing her armour, a small smile playing on her lips.

"What?"

"Eloquence," she says, her smile grows, "if you're to come with me to Orlais, you really must practice it."

"I am sorry," I whisper, "but what did you say?"

"I want you to be my right hand," she repeats, "you're welcome to refuse of course, but I think the job might suit you."

"What about Cassandra?"

She laughs, the sound making my blood boil in an almost pleasant fashion.

"Cassandra has had enough of Val Royaux for a while," she says, "and I trust you." She smiles and I believe that it's a real smile, I want to believe that it's a real smile.

"Whose going to be your left hand?" I ask.

Her smile widens.

"It's my first change," she says and sounds proud, "I'm not going to have a left hand. I have one," she lifts her left hand, "and that's the only one I'll have. Whatever business is needed, we'll deal with it and out in the open."

The fire in her eyes shine again and while it terrifies me, it also draws me in. I nod, my mouth dry. She smiles again.

"Good," she says, "then let's start, we have a long way ahead of us."

"What are we going to do?" I call after her back, she turns around.

"I thought that was obvious." she beckons me to follow her, "we're going to break the grand game."

**The end**


End file.
